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January 1934
Is there any hint that the projection from the mind into the vital has been rather invited and encouraged by myself?
It came by being preoccupied too much with the difficulties of the nature. It is always better to dwell on the good side of things in yourself I do not mean in an egoistic way, but with faith and cheerful confidence, calling down the positive experience of which the nature is already capable so that a constant positive growth can help in the rejection of all that has to be rejected. But in fact one gets often projected into the vital difficulties at an early stage and then instead of going from the mind into the psychic (through the heart) one has to go through the disturbed vital.
Is it possible to retrace one's steps to the psychic ? If so, how ?
It can be done, if you refuse to be preoccupied with the idea of your difficulties and concentrate on really helpful and positive things. Be more cheerful and confident. Sex and Doubt and Co. are there, no doubt, but the Divine is there also inside you. Open your eyes and look and look till the veil is rent and you see Him or Her. January 1, 1934 While meditating I saw among many things, a sea in flood. Just after it the silver disc of the sun flashing brilliantly. The sea is the vital the sun the first appearance of the Light of Truth over it. January 2, 1934 Though you have given me permission to take a cup of tea, as soon as I face you I feel guilty.
If you feel like that, it is much better not to take tea. Page - 33 S called me to see him. He offered me a cup of tea. Do you approve of my taking anything offered by him in future ?
No. It would be better not to take S's things this cooking has reawakened his greed of food and made him ill again, after I had completely cured him. January 13, 1934
Can you spare me a canvas cot, if any? If you can, please, sanction some mosquito frame arrangement too.
Ask for the canvas cot and a mosquito frame to be used with. Impossible to hang a mosquito frame on the independent principle here. January 14, 1934
Last night I had a unique experience: I saw a skeleton standing by my bed, it seemed to resemble my father...
The skeleton was created by your fear.
I have heard that when someone dies with strong attachments, his spirit remains chained as it were to the object of his desire.
Yes.
But these spirits are supposed to be maleficent and their appearance also ugly. He seemed to have nothing of these. Did he mean any harm ?
No they need not be. No. The fear is absurd and has no ground.
What should I do if he comes again? Shall I face him and look intently at him and call your name?
The best is to ask what he wants. If there is anything malicious, then use the name. January 15, 1934 Page - 34 C asked me whether I'd like to take up supervision work in the House-painting Department. But it's a whole-time work, so other duties have to be given up. What should I do ? It may not be whole time. Speak to Rishabhchand and see what can be arranged.
In connection with that spirit, may I ask you if it was actually my father's spirit even when it had no resemblance?
But if it had no resemblance, why did you take it for your father? It may have been only an ordinary being of the vital world.
Sometimes it appears that all efforts and aspirations are simply like so many stones thrown into the sea. And I feel that there is not a drop of devotion in me for you... I want some busy work that would carry me along with the stream. How to face this situation ?
Mother says "Beware of what you talk. Also a certain kind of thoughts. It is very often talks one has that bring in this condition throwing one into the most ordinary and dry physical consciousness." Recover your reading tendency, work and get rid of tamas. January 18, 1934
I spoke to Rishabhchand. He would like to have a full-time worker. But Shanti wants me to do the garden work with him. I leave it to you.
Mother has written to Rishabhchand that you can be relieved from the office work but might not like to give up garden work, so he should try to arrange in such a way that the garden work could continue. January 19, 1934 February 1934
I enclose a poem. The philosophical conception expressed Page - 35 therein may perhaps be wrong, because the Purusha is supposed to be inactive only giving sanction to Prakriti. Isn't it so? I have represented the Lord with dynamism along with static poise. That is the Sankhya Purusha the Purusha of the Gita is Ishwara also. The objection as philosophy is correct. Poetically the opening is heavy, but the rest is good.
There is a notion that with the approach of Darshan there is a greater descent of Force. I don't feel any difference. But they corroborate their theory by the evidence of an upheaval of vital troubles etc. I think one should feel more calm and peace. Which view do you subscribe to? And is it a fact that there is such a descent?
There is usually a descent, but there is also a great opposition to the descent at these times. Some feel the descent only, some feel the opposition only, some feel both the descent and the opposition. February 9, 1934
With the taking up of the new work a calmness and ananda have descended on me and I have been surprisingly free from cravings and disturbing thoughts for a long time at a stretch. Is it due to the effect of the work or due to the descent of the Force you speak of?
The Force comes down as soon as it finds an opening and acts in the Adhara whenever it is ready. What determines the descent cannot always be mentally fixed. Aspiration, call, will, prayer, etc., create a favourable precondition in the head or heart or anywhere else and are sometimes the determining cause. February 10, 1934 I am much better now. Shall I join work tomorrow ?
Yes, if you are all right. Page - 36 May I be permitted to see you on the 15th instant, the centenary of my arrival here?
[Sri Aurobindo underlined the word "centenary", put an interrogation mark above it.] I say, you have not been here 100 years surely! Mother won't be free probably before 12.30, but if you like to come in and make pranam, you may do so. February 12, 1934
I would surely like to come even if it be for a pranam. Please let me know the time through Nolini.
We had said, I think, after 12.30. February 13, 1934
I have become a persistent tea-drinker, going against your instruction, though the mind does not see any harm in a cup of tea.
You can take. It is a question of self-mastery, that is all. February 27, 1934 March 1934
The peace and joy I was experiencing since Darshan, have, I find, left me all on a sudden since yesterday. But what actions of mine conscious or unconscious have caused the happy condition to withdraw?
A very small thing will sometimes bring a fall of consciousness when the thing is not yet pakkaΉ. One has to pick oneself up again quietly without minding the interruption.
Mother, from your look at pranam it seemed to me you didn't or don't like our taking food exclusive of Asram food. . .
Ή A commonly used Hindi word meaning "ripe", "complete", "perfect". Page - 37 How did you read food into the Mother's look? It was not there¦ at all.
Often I have felt that you give sanction for these occasional feastings, but at the same time you don't sanction... Intuitive perception of your wish, I must say, isn't an easy thing. Why don't you tell me clearly what I should do, insteading of leaving me to find out for myself?
Why don't you go on what the Mother says instead of taking all this intuitive or inferential trouble?
Why do I come back so happy from D's place? Is it due to what you call vital sympathy ?
It may be a vital sympathy but with no harm in it. March 7. 1934 I send a poem, rather a long one. It's addressed to P, can I send it to him ?
Yes. The beginning of the poem seems to me to have some strength in it. The rest spins itself out rather thinly at too great a length. A more compact and original thought and expression are needed.
Is there not a difference between the sleep before 12 and after? The sleep before 12 is supposed to be the best.
I had a very peculiar dream last night. I'm almost ashamed to write about it. I heard someone saying to me in Bengali, "In Shiva's anshaΉ is your birth", as soon as I got up I was in a flood of joy and devotion for Shiva.
Everyone's inner being is born in the ansha of some Devata. Birth and tradition of this life are not everything there have
Ή Portion (generally part of the body or limb). Page - 38 been previous lives also which one carries on into this one and a future also which is already existent in the present. March 17, 1934 I send you one more poem. But there seems to be hardly any originality in the idea itself boat, boatman, etc., reminds one of Rabindranath, doesn't it ? I would like to have your opinion.
In the ideas and images there is not much originality and I cannot say Tagore is not there in his ubiquitous glory. But it is well written all the same. March 20, 1934 Last night in a half-sleepy state in meditation, I had a vision of Sri Krishna playing on his flute in his usual pose. The likeness was as represented in current paintings. So I rather hesitate to accept it as a vision at all. But I wonder, even if the vision were true, why should Krishna appear when I have been trying to see Shiva ?
If it was like the pictures, it may have been a mental image. On the other hand it may not have been, especially as you did not ask for it. Krishna may have appeared in that form because for your mind it was easiest.
I am surprised to see that within a few days J has written more poems than my whole output in a year. No, I am not jealous but I wonder how and why I don't get sufficient inspiration.
Your poems are well enough but for both J and yourself, what has to be seen is whether it comes to something original and substantial. At present what both are doing is only prentice-work. March 21, 1934 For a week or so I have not been able to write a single line. But it struck me why not try something in prose which, Page - 39 I suppose, can be done even in the absence of any inspiration. But I am faced with the difficulty of a weak style, lack of plots and the thought of a failure.
You can try making it the object to get rid of the defects of style and structure.
Will you kindly give me some advice on this, as well as your Force for the necessary development? When the current of inspiration comes to a stop, I think sometimes that perhaps you have forgotten me in your busy moments.
It does not depend on that [at] all. It depends on a certain state of receptivity an opening of the channel between the inner plane where the inspiration comes and the outer through which it has to pass. March 27, 1934 I have diarrhoea. I had toast and butter at A's, and am having tea regularly at D's. Is it due to either? But can the bowels be so sensitive as that by Yoga?
Yes, the bowels can be quite as sensitive as that but it is probably some other cause. Diarrhoea may come from catching cold in the stomach or other reasons than food.
As regards the "opening of the channel", can it be done sooner by more concentration, meditation, etc., disregarding the literary side for the time being?
One can get the power of receptivity to inspiration by concentration and meditation making the inner being stronger and the outer less gross, tamasic and insistent.
You have said that inspiration comes as a result of a certain state of receptivity. Are we supposed to be more receptive at times that we feel the inspiration descending?
Yes.
But the difference is hardly perceptible. Page - 40 It only means that you cannot perceive .it
I have been faced with a doubt whether one can profit by writing poems, etc., as much (I mean spiritually) as one would if he had devoted that part of his time to sadhana meditation, etc. In other words can literary activity be taken as part of one's sadhana ?
Any activity can be taken as part of the sadhana if it is offered to the Divine or done with the consciousness or faith that it is done by the Divine Power. That is the important point. March 29, 1934 Page - 41 April 1934
I send a poem. I wasn't happy about it; it has too much of Rabindranath in it, I think.
I fear your opinion of it is correct. Evidently you have the writing capacity, but it does not come to much at least in poetry unless you have something to write of your own. For that you must wake up something in you that is not yet awake. April 6, 1934 I am much encouraged to hear from you that I have the writing capacity. Since it's there I can hope that it will express itself sooner or later in its own garb and form. The "inner soul of rhythm", originality, etc., come, as you say, by the inflowering by yoga. I can wait my turn for that. But why do you say "you must..."? Doesn't this "must" demand from one a conscious and concentrated effort to avoid the imitation and follow the unhewn path? And can one really do it in that way ?
No. Must simply indicates what must happen or should happen. What you can do is to have a will that it should happen, settle within you. The will will bear fruit in time if it [is] of the right kind and especially if it becomes a Yogic will. April 7, 1934 I send you a poem. I didn't send it yesterday because it was the day of our vengeanceΉ and who knows my little verse may have been the last straw... But since all people profit at your expense, it wouldn't be wiser for me to stand aloof. So the poem and your kind opinion on it.
My opinion is "good, but not good enough" more stuff is needed. It is good you did not throw your straw on the waters yesterday
Ή Usually, nobody wrote letters to Sri Aurobindo on Sundays, but all took "vengeance" on Monday by sending double the quantity. Page - 42 the flood might have carried it away into the beginning of next week. April 10, 1934 Is it not possible to keep C here by Thy all-powerful Grace ?
It would mean his cutting all outside ties. So long as the ties remain, the financial obligations also remain. I do not think he has advanced so far that he can cut away altogether and be free.
J says she was given a very small quantity of curry by A and her appetite is unappeased. It is very sad to see that in spite of your repeated directions and warnings (to the Dining Room workers), they forget this simple thing.
It is because D is no longer [there]. He was very careful in this matter as in all details especially there in which the Mother had given special instructions. I shall write to A.
I find it rather inconvenient to imprison these bulky letters in a small envelope. You will see how many folds had to be made, it looks so ugly. Still I do it with difficulty.
Ugliness does not matter in this instance. The envelope system has been instituted so as to save a little the Mother's time in the morning so that she may not have to cut short the little rest she has or else have to come very late for pranam. April 18, 1934 I had a very unique experience last night, in the realm of poetry. The inspiration came and as I sat down to write the whole thing dropped, so to say; I simply let myself be led to see how and when it'd end. Never before have I written a whole poem in this way. I was very joyous and recovered all lost hope. Why is it that people get so much joy out of writing a poem ? Page - 43 It is the joy of creation partly, partly the joy or "enthousiasmos" the sense of exaltation and Ananda which always comes when one is freely and powerfully used by a greater Force.
Does this spontaneous, automatic inpouring depend on some inner state ?
It does [not] depend on any inner spiritual state, but on an opening to some supraphysical plane of inspiration. April 21, 1934 I had a very peculiar dream last night: I was going away somewhere much dejected and disappointed. The road I took was most gorgeous reminding me of that of the Lake Districts of Scotland; I had proceeded far; suddenly J came up running and said "The one whom you wanted has come and is waiting for you." I turned back but found nobody. More disappointed I was just going away when a woman's form with a child in her lap appeared as if from nowhere. I fell at her feet saying "O Mother, you have come then?" with such an ecstasy and fervour that words can't convey. "Are you going to leave me ? Will you come often ?" I asked. "I shall come nine or ten times a day." With this reply she vanished and the dream ended. Who is this form and what is the meaning of this? And why the child?
The child was your psychic being. It was the Mother you saw and she brought it to you that is, put you in close contact with it.
I am very, very happy, as if some secret fountain has been unsealed. One should remain as quiet as possible holding within oneself all the rapture, shouldn't one? Yes. Is this a simple vital joy or a joy of writing poetry ?
It is not vital at all, though the vital may share in it. April 23, 1934 Page - 44 Sending you the poem I had spoken of. What an "enthousiasmos" I felt when I wrote it! Yes, this time you had undoubtedly a living inspiration.
I am happy, happy, but I am afraid at the same time lest it should disappear by some inadvertent action of mine. It is generally supposed that the Divine also deliberately leads us through alternating states of joy and despair to make us strong or to test us. Is it true? If so, I cannot pray to you to give me such an uninterrupted bliss!
It is not a law, but it happens so because of the difficulty of human nature. If all were led by the psychic being with its faith, surrender, one-pointed will to the Divine, there would still be ups and downs of a slighter character, but no need for states of despair. April 24, 1934
X was coming from the Asram at 9 p.m. and was molested by a ruffian in front of Nolini's room. She called him and then the boy disappeared. I am simply dumb-founded by the news. To think that someone maybe a ruffian or a devil should attack a sadhika under your very roof, is it not surprising? I hear and believe too that you give a veil of protection around us. Is it so ineffective that even when one doesn't go out of one's way, some hostile beings should attack the very physique and especially that of ladies ? Then each lady must stop walking alone or each must have somebody by her. I wonder how long it' ll take to free the atmosphere from these seen vital forces.
When the sadhaks get rid of the unseen ones in themselves and in the atmosphere of the Asram.
I am afraid there will be now an apprehension and a nervousness among all the sadhikas.
The Mother has constantly told the sadhikas who approached her Page - 45 about it that they should not be out alone or without a sadhak to accompany them after 8 o'clock even after dusk it is not so very safe. After 9 o'clock any woman out alone can easily be taken for a bad character and even questioned by the police. The reason is that when the streets are otherwise deserted, it is largely drunkards, bad characters that come abroad or people like the Topa boys who are little better than criminals. Pondicherry is not a place where women can walk about alone at night. Only two or three days ago S asked whether they could not go out to enjoy the moonlight at 9 if there were 2 or 3 sadhikas together and Mother forbade it unless there was a sadhak with them, so they are going with the Doctor. I do not know why you should consider that a sadhak or sadhika can count, whatever he does and whatever the conditions, on an absolute protection and immunity. There are conditions under which there is an absolute safety if the sadhaks are sadhaks through and through, if they have a pure and complete faith etc. Or if a sadhika has got rid of sex impulses and sex appeal and lives in the Mother or with the Mother in her, or even if she has a perfect fearlessness, inner strength and courage, then she would be able to walk about unchallenged even in Pondicherry. But conditions are not like that here as yet at least the wrong forces are here inside the Asram as well as outside under such circumstances, the protection, though it can still act, acts on conditions and within limits. April 27, 934 X, I think, is more or less free from sex and tries to live in the Mother.
More or less? tries? that was not what I said. I spoke of freedom from sex and living in the Mother.
I cannot forget a nice dream I had in the first year of my stay in England. Buddha was sitting in "padmasan" and was giving me a red lotus. Was it a forecast of my later spiritual life?
I suppose so. April 29, 1934 Page - 46 May 1934
Suddenly I have dropped from a state of exaltation and peace to that of depression. The soaring, the days of exaltation seem to be so unreal almost a chimera beside this world of reality.
? [Sri Aurobindo underlined "world of reality".]
It is surprising that I cannot live in one state or more than a few days, and yet this dejection, sadness seems so foreign to my nature !
Why do you give way to it, then? You ought to be able to detach yourself from it, see it as an intrusion and fling it out. May 1, 1934 Would you suggest a way to increase thought-power in poetry?
There is no device for that. You have to open from within to a deeper or higher source of inspiration or grow from within into a deeper or higher consciousness there is no other way for it. May 4, 1934
I seem to be contented with myself, in peace and bliss and have nothing to pray for. Is this not tamasic peace in a sattwic garb?
It is far more favourable to spiritual progress than being miserable and depressed or in vital revolt and agitation and disturbance.
I have ceased even to aspire, believing that you will give me inspiration. I simply refuse to make even a mental effort.
Mental effort is one thing and aspiring and holding yourself in readiness is another. Page - 47 Need one aspire even for writing poetry?
I Aspiration is an essential part of the sadhana.
If one waits calmly, does not the Grace descend by itself without our asking?
Not unless one is in a state of Grace in a psychic condition.
If a person asks for something and doesn't get it, he is likely to get disappointed. . .
If he asks with the vital, yes. Your mind is too active in these matters. Get your mind silent, . learn to feel within, to aspire from within then things will come more easily. May 10, 1934
I woke up from sleep with a touch of sadness caused by some depressive dreams at night, dreams which have no correspondence in real life. For instance I saw H going to a pub and getting heavily drunk, D running after a girl in a drunken condition. Aren't these dreams a sufficient cause to awake one to a sadness?
Not unless you believe that they point to something real in the physical life. Why should one be sad for a mere dream?
Am I seeing my own condition in others' forms?
No. These are dreams on the vital plane. Such dreams may be mere formations in the vital without any actual value, they may point to something in the persons seen which was there in the past, in some cases they indicate possibilities of the future, in others things going on in the present (the last is rare, but does happen), but not always in the forms suggested by the dream. It is such things that happen on the vital plane, very rarely (though that too does happen) on the physical plane. But also they may be merely possibilities conjectured by one's own vital mind about people. So one must know which it is of these various possibilities before Page - 48 getting sad about dreams! For instance in H's case it is evidently in impression of something in his nature and habits that you knew to have been there in the past and which you know is not there it present.
I have been thinking whether I would not profit more by spending the time I use for writing in doing meditation instead. Has the writing work any spiritual value?
No present value spiritually it may have a mental value. It is he same with the work it has a value of moral training, discipline, obedience, acceptance of work for the Mother. The spiritual value and result come afterwards when the consciousness in the vital opens upward. So with the mental work. It is a preparation. If you cannot yet do it with the true spiritual consciousness, it, the work as well as the mental occupation, must be done with the right mental or vital will in it.
The Mother says in her Prayers and Meditations that experience is willed by the Divine. Am I then to suppose that dearth or abundance of experiences is, in any given case, willed by the Divine.
To say so has no value unless you realise all things as coming from the Divine. One who has realised as the Mother had realised in the midst of terrible sufferings & difficulties that even these came from the Divine and were preparing her for her work can make spiritual use of such an attitude. For others it may lead to wrong conclusions. May 14, 1934 In some cases you don't seem to like people to be engrossed in literary work. Can it be taken as a general rule?
There is no general rule; the mind is always trying to build general lies. The thing done may be the same, but it is done in different ways according to the circumstances and the nature of the people.
Well, Dilip had to work in spite of your Grace. So may I ask you in the vein of Arjuna but alas, not with that Page - 49 love and surrender! to give me one direct and decisive rule to follow in this path of poetic activity? My aspiration for your Grace and blessings in this mental occupation, is as great as for spiritual progress.
Aspire for the opening to the right plane of inspiration. You forget that D got his opening by grace and never lost it all his work only helps him to utilise and develop what is already there. May 22, 1934
The popular idea is that the more one is rich in practical experiences of life, the more successful he is in literary pursuits : for, then he will be able to write better, tackle various, problems of life in a better way.
Why should a creative artist write only about problems?
A littιrateur of Bengal, B, used to say that it is simple unthinkable that living in entire seclusion in Pondicherry or the Himalayas one can write anything in prose or poetry. His experience is sure to be limited.
What a stupidly rigid principle! Can B really write nothing except what he has seen or experienced? What an unimaginative man he must be! And how dull his stories must be and how limited. I wonder whether Victor Hugo had to live in a convicts' prison before he invented Jean Valjean. Certainly one has to look at life. but there is no obligation to copy faithfully from life. The man of imagination carries a world in himself and a mere hint or suggestion from life is enough to start it going. It is recognised now that Balzac & Dickens created on the contrary their greatest characters which were not at all faithful to life around them. Balzac's descriptions of society are hopelessly wrong, he knew nothing about it, but his world is much more striking and real than the actual world around him which he misrepresented even life has imitated the figures he made rather than the other way round. Besides who is living in entire seclusion in Pondicherry ? There are living men and women around you and human nature is in full play here as well as in Page - 50 the biggest city only one has to have an eye to see what is within them and an imagination that takes a few bricks and can make out of them a great edifice one must be able to see that human nature is one everywhere and pick out of it the essential things or the interesting things that can be turned into great art.
In the evening when you come on the terrace as I look at you, the horizon behind, divides distinctly into two colours: pale pink and pale blue. Is it simply due to my gazing fixedly at you, Mother?
In that case everybody who looks fixedly at the Mother on the roof would see a horizon of pale pink and pale blue. I doubt if it is the case. May 26, 1934 You didn't tell me the significance of the colours.
Pink is the psychic colour pale blue may be the higher mind but blue has several significances, so it is not certain.
I hear B left because he couldn't conquer sex-impulse within some specified period?
B left out of ambition, not because of sex. May 31, 1934 June 1934 Nirod, You can write to C that it is obvious he must stop this thing if he is to make any progress in his sadhana. Sexuality even of the natural kind is an obstacle, but unnatural practices like these are a much greater obstacle they bring greater reactions, make the will weak and bring a habitual subjection to the lower forces. He has allowed himself to relax his will and as a result the forces he had kept in check here have rushed up with a double force and brought up everything in that line to which his lower vital had been at any time open. He must stop it at once! If it is idleness that makes him Page - 51 like that let him keep himself busy. But most of all he must once more fix his will, realise that he must stop yielding and make up his mind to give no indulgence whatever. SRI AUROBINDO June 6, 1934 In the afternoon I felt a descent of Ananda. In sheer joy, I could have embraced the earth itself. Ramakrishna is said to have gone into ecstasy at the sight of clouds. My ecstasy, if you will excuse my impudence, was of the same kind.
It is Ananda in the mind and vital. No apology necessary. The Ananda is the same for everyone, whether Ramakrishna or another.
To relieve myself in some way of this rapture, I wanted most unfortunately to express it in a verse with the consequent loss of the rapture. What was the necessity of that? And why did you want to relieve yourself of the rapture ?
For some time past the inspiration has stopped. Find it rather painful.
You must remember that you are not a "born" poetyou are trying to bring out something from the Unmanifest inside you. You can't demand that that should be an easy job. It may come out suddenly and without apparent reason like the Ananda but you can't demand it. The pangs of delivery cannot always be avoided.
To acquire a good style in prose I am reading any and every book in Bengali.
Any and every! That is more likely to spoil the style.
But I don't want to lose the peace and the joy I am in now. If you think that over-reading or reading anything mil lower the consciousness I shall lessen the activity. Page - 52 I do not know whether the peace and joy will stand over-reading. It may if it is very strong. June 8, 1934 My friend C, is extremely troubled by his own defects and is in utter despair and thinks of putting an end to his life. What should I tell him ? You have seen my answer I suppose. You can add that despair is absurd and talks of suicide quite out of place. However a man may stumble, the Divine Grace will be there so long as he aspires for it and in the end lead him through.
Last night I woke up suddenly in a condition of deep ecstasy. My room seemed to be quite different; it was pervaded by your presence. I felt I was lying in an immense cradle of that presence. I wonder if the condition was a stupefaction of the senses due to an interruption of sleep or a simple imagination.
What on earth is this nonsense? Do you mean that an experience of the pervading Presence can only be due to a stupefaction of the senses, an interruption of sleep or a simple imagination? When you get experiences, especially such experiences, take them as they are. Why these mental mystifications?
If my Ananda was vita! and mental, is there a psychic Ananda too?
I did not say it was vital and mental, but that it was Ananda manifesting itself in the mental and vital a quite different thing; for the one Ananda (the true thing) can manifest in any part of the being. June 9, 1934 If you think that my Sunday feasts may harm me, I will stop them, or at least make them infrequent,
But do you not feel yourself whether it harms or not? These things are of small importance to those who are still in the ordinary mind, Page - 53 [important] only to those who have begun to live within or to have major experiences. The latter is your case since you lived several days with the Ananda in you. June 19, 1934 You mean that these feasts are not good for me?
Yes.
Is Ananda a major experience?
Light, Peace, Force, Ananda constitute the spiritual consciousness; if they are not among the major experiences, what are?
There is no doubt that there is a craving for relishing dishes and then it is not far to seek an excuse.
Probably the cessation of the meal would make your vital uncomfortable so it may be better to continue. June 20, 1934 Last night I dreamed that C had come to me and I took hold of his hand: I opened my eyes; there was no C! But I felt that he had possessed me just as a spirit would have done. I wanted to cry for Mother but he wouldn't allow me.
It was not C at all, but some vital force taking his form. These are things that happen when you enter the vital world. The only thing needed is not to be afraid and to call on the Mother. June 25, 1934 July 1934
Last two weeks what misery and wretchedness I have gone through! On close inspection I find that the only unusual thing I have done is having meals at D's place, cooked by Nishikanta.
It may have helped, but it is not likely to be the main cause. Something in the atmosphere probably to which you opened yourself. Page - 54 Or is it not due to food at all? I have heard that at the time of Darshan all our cravings are thrown up.
There is no such inevitable rule. It is true that attacks are frequent at that time, but one need not admit them. July 6, 1934 D was saying, "What is food-desire after all, for me? I can give it up at once." How far is this view correct? Or is the vita! having its play out under this pretext?
It is a self-deception of the vital, "I have no attachment, so I can go on indulging myself !" But in practice the attachment is there, however lofty the attitude. July 9, 1934
I don't know what I should do in order to utilise time to my best advantage. Shall I begin by stopping all reading during work? Please give me the right attitude and interest in work.
So long as work or reading either is done merely to utilise time, the right attitude can hardly come or the interest. Work must be done either for pleasure in it or with some purpose beyond itself. July 25, 1934
Mother, there are days when I am awfully afraid to go to pranam, lest I should have the misfortune to see your grave face, with no smile at all. All my despair, melancholy, etc., is intensified after that, while your smile disperses all gloom.
All this about the Mother's smile and her gravity is simply a trick of the vital. Very often I notice people talk of the Mother's being grave, stern, displeased, angry at Pranam when there has been nothing of the kind they have attributed to her something created by their own vital imagination. Apart from that the Mother's smiling or not smiling has nothing to do with the sadhak's merits Page - 55 or demerits, fitness or unfitness it is not deliberately done as at reward or a punishment. The Mother smiles on all, without regard to these things. When she does not smile, it is because she is either in trance or absorbed, or concentrated on something within the sadhak that needs her attention something that has to be done for him or brought down or looked at. It does not mean that there, is anything bad or wrong in him. I have told this a hundred times to any number of sadhaks but in many the vital does not want to accept that because it would lose its main source of grievance, revolt, abhiman,Ή desire to go away or give up the Yoga, things which are very precious to it. The very fact that it has these results and leads to nothing but these darknesses ought to be enough to show you that this imagination about Mother's not smiling as a sign of absence of her grace or love is a device and suggestion of the Adversary. You have to drive away these things and so give some chance for the psychic with its deeper and truer love and surrender to come forward and take up the Adhar as its kingdom.
C asks your opinion about his taking a job in the detention camp. How does he hope to get it being a police-suspect himself?
I forgot to write about this. You had better tell C that I. do not look with approval on this idea of the post in the detention camp. Even if he got it, it may lead to very undesirable things. July 28, 1934 Ή Wounded pride, often engendered by a real or imagined offence committed by one's lover, but here it is the Divine that is the offending lover. Page - 56 |